Life's a collision course and I'm a crash test dummy.
Brace for impact!
Join me on a kamikaze run through life as we break down the barriers that keep us from reaching our goals.
Together we will dream more, learn more, do more, and become more on a whirlwind journey of personal discovery and development.


Bookmark my blog because new content is added daily!

Monday, June 30, 2014

Musing Mondays ~ The Heart of a Weary Peacemaker

It's Musing Monday at the Realm and today...

I'm pouring out my heart.


But don't worry!

I come in peace.  


Which often leads me to coming to pieces. 
But more on that in a minute.  


Let's begin with the peace part.

 When troubles arise, I am usually the first to offer an olive branch.


More often than not, that same branch is used to whip my heart into a gelatinous puddle of "Why do I even bother?".  If I had a penny for every time I'd asked myself that! I don't need to ask or ponder on it, because the answer is simple. I bother because that is who I am. I am a Peacemaker. I come from a long line of Peacemakers. While others make trouble, we make peace. Or, at least we try to. 

Peacemaking is harder than one might think.

Why?  Well, as a meme I stumbled across so eloquently (and accurately) put it:

There are those out there who are just by nature easily offended. There are others who because of some past hurt are more sensitive than the average bear. And there are those that for no other reason than some deep, dark, inner desire to cause trouble sit at the ready, waiting for anything they can twist and use to stir up discontent. Why? I don't know. I try not to meddle with the latter sort, despite my need for a peaceful world.

No, my heart lies with those that act out because they are broken.

I know what it is like to live broken. It stinks. Pain is a horrible burden to carry within your soul. 

I'm the best, or the worst, kind of Peacemaker, depending on how you look at things. Not only do I want need peace, but I also have empathetic tendencies. In other words, if someone hurts, I hurt too. As if that isn't bad enough, like most Peacemakers, I hate injustice and I despise drama. Ironically, Peacemakers often find themselves at the center of drama any time they try to right a wrong. 

I see some injustice, someone hurt by something, and I strap on my cape, and make it my mission to "fix" everything. I forget that capes are bad. They get caught up in stuff.

When you're tangled up in stuff you get distracted in the attempt to free yourself, and you forget things.

Things like:

1) It's not my job to "fix" anyone but myself. 

2) Some people don't want my help.

3) The intentions of my heart are not as clear to others as they are to me. 

4) I cannot make everyone happy no matter how badly I want to, need to, or try to.

5) Facebook is no place for an empathic peacemaker.

I don't know about the rest of you, but when my good intentions are taken the wrong way, it upsets me greatly. And when my peacemaking attempts lead to more problems than solutions, I feel defeated. I've let everyone down. I've caused more problems. I've failed to keep peace. And nine times out of ten, I'm seen as a traitor instead of a peacemaker.

My desire to make sure everyone around me
comes out of a situation happy and whole?

Leaves me sad and broken.

And guess what? 

Peacemaker Me believes that with enough love you can fix anything. 

Peacemaker Me has a song in her heart, a kind word for everyone she meets, and open arms for anyone that needs a hug. She's a lovely gal with a pocket full of sunshine and rainbows.

Broken Me is not.  

Broken Me is a gal with a sharp sword, and an even sharper tongue. 

Broken Me hates feeling broken. She is mad at anyone or anything able to break her. She's ready to cut away any strings that bind her to whatever/whoever broke her. She grieves at the injustice of being misunderstood. Grief takes Broken Me through many stages... shock, hurt, anger. Broken Me raises her sword and opens her mouth when she should be still and silent.  

Broken Me focuses on justice, not love.

Peacemaker Me doesn't like the path Broken Me tends to choose. What follows is an ugly internal battle. Peacemaker Me always wins, but Broken Me sure does leave a mess to clean up! Some messes leave behind a stain, no matter how hard you scrub.

Like Lady Macbeth, Peacemaker Me tends to obsess over the stains.

Peacemaker's tend to be childlike at heart. 

It's what enables them to see only the good in others. 

It's also why they go off to pout over their blemished hearts 
when the stains of life refuse to come out.

For me, pouting goes like this:

"God, why did you make me like this? It's not fair! No one understands me! I don't want to care so much! I don't want to hurt just because someone else hurts! I don't want to be a peacemaker! Make me anything else! Just not a peacemaker! Harden my heart!"

Like any good and loving parent, God ignores my pouting and whining, and waits for me to calm down. When I finally pick up the scattered pieces of my heart and run to Him, He's there waiting.

He pours His love out on me as He carefully mends my heart. Gently, He reminds me that I am beautifully and wonderfully made, designed by His own loving hands. He whispers to my soul, telling me that His purpose for my life requires me to care deeply, to love relentlessly, and to fight for peace. As always, I bring Him my pieces, He makes me whole, and then He sends me back into battle, no longer weary, only certain of His promises.

I might not want to fight, but I will. 

I'll fight for peace. I'll fight for love. And most of all I'll fight to be the person God created me to be, never allowing the troublemakers, the injustices, or the stains to change my heart, alter my soul, or keep me from my purpose. I'll fix my eyes on Him, and I will run in the path of His commands, for He has set my heart free.

I'm a peacemaker because God made me that way. 

I bother because His plans for me matter. 

Because He loves me. 

Just as I am


⚓ † ♥


Feel free to stop reading here, but...
I'm pouring out even more of my heart below because I feel led to do so.
Perhaps, someone out there needs more?  Maybe this message is for you.

Are you hungry for more?
Full of doubt? Need proof of His love?

If so, please keep reading!


I put HIM first this morning, and a funny thing happened.


Food For Thought:
A Feast For Doubting Thomases

I know, I know!  
I've been there! 
Easy for me to say, right? 
Oh sure, just give it all to God.
 He will fix everything.  
*eye roll*

It's okay. I was (and at times still regress to being) a Doubting Thomas.

Last week was rough. Very rough. I wasn't feeling well and I was faced with more than one trial. I also found myself in Peacemaker mode. I got my cape tangled, my heart broken, and I switched into Warrior mode. 

I let my eyes stray to the stains instead of to the Savior. It happens to me more than I'd like to admit, but human is a huge part of who I am.

Lost in my feelings, thoughts, and obsessive desire to make all right with the world again, I prayed for a perfect solution to all of life's problems. And when my prayers didn't seem to be getting me anywhere, I turned my back on everything and looked only within myself for answers. 

Always a bad idea, friends. Just. Don't.

After so much turmoil, I was really looking forward to church on Sunday-- my happy, peaceful, "it's all going to be okay child" place.

And, yes, I did hear His voice there. I always do. Which made me wonder, why don't I hear it at home the way I do at church?

The answer was easier to find than I expected.

Because, in church I expect to find Him. At home, I only expect His presence when I turn to him in prayer or need. I turn to Him when a crisis occurs, but the rest of the day, for the most part, I suffice with morning praise and bedtime prayers.

The message in church yesterday covered all I needed to hear and more, and again, the reminder to fix my eyes on Jesus, to put him first, rang out. 

So, after a weekend of doubting myself, anguishing over the choices I was no longer sure about, giving in to anger and hurt, wallowing in self-pity, wondering why I bother, and wishing more than anything I didn't care so much... I decided to leave all that at the foot of the cross and head home determined to keep my eyes focused on Him. No matter what.

I put Him first this morning, and a funny thing happened. 

Instead of being bombarded with some problem, feeling overwhelmed, and wondering when the other shoe would drop, I was filled with peace and the certainty that everything is going to be okay. 

God knows I'm a creature who seems to always need a reminder, and though I don't deserve the proof I secretly long for, He gives it to me anyway.

1)  My alarm went off, to this song:

For King & Country, "Fix My Eyes On You".  

(Go on, take a peek at the lyrics. Amazing, right?)


Wait, it gets better!

2)  I get a "verse of the day" on my phone app each morning.  This morning's verse?

 "But mine eyes are unto thee, O GOD the Lord: in thee is my trust; leave not my soul destitute." ~Psalm 141:8 (KJ)

My morning devotionals and studies covered:

Blessed are the peacemakers. 
Love your enemy. 
Pray for those who persecute you.

3)  I don't remember subscribing to anything new, but this morning in my inbox there were several new articles, all that specifically touch on dealing with my exact battles last week!

"The Best Approach with a Frenemy" (Ahem. His timing is always perfect.)

 "Are We Peacemakers or Troublemakers?" (It speaks of peacemaking and sword yielding!)

"Walk Through Your Fear" (Wow. And take a look at that prayer!)

4) My "Message From God" app today:

God wants you to know that...
You are a child of God.  
Remain strong in your faith, no matter how many mistakes God's children 
make along the way of growing up, they are still destined for Grace and eternal Joy.

5)  BAM!

I really didn't need more prodding, convincing, or reassuring at this point, but as a bonus, I was gifted once more. "Pieces" by Red began playing on my random playlist the moment I sat down to write.  

For those that don't know, that song led to my "life-changing" moment. It's remained a constant theme in my life. Here it is if you're not familiar with it. Sit back, open your heart, and feel the love.

Today's lesson:  

Whining, pouting, and wishing to be something other than what God designed me to be =
God, like any patient parent, ignoring my tantrum until I'm calm enough to hear His voice again.

Putting God first =
Answers. Reassurance. Healing. Peace, Hope, and Unconditional Love.

 Thanks for sticking with me for this rather long musing.
I know I'm not the only one in need.
I hope this message finds you, whoever you are.



If you were moved, touched, or gained anything from today's visit,
I'd love to hear from you in the comments below,
or in private (email me) if you prefer.

Thanks for dropping by. 

Share this with others if the spirit moves you.


Natalie Pierson said...

Thanks for sharing your heart. You're a blessing, Donna!

Tom Mohan said...

The world needs peacemakers, as wearying as it can be. Keep finding your strength in the Lord and you will do much more than you believe possible.

DM Kilgore said...

Thank you Natalie. You're a wonderful blessing and I'm so thankful to know you.

DM Kilgore said...

Thank you so much Tom!

Post a Comment

Greetings Realm-Rider! Thank you for hopping aboard the crazy train. I applaud your curiosity and courage. You have reached your destination: The Realm of D.M. Kilgore. There's lots to see and even more to do. Don't forget to grab a crash helmet! Oh, and before you go, let me know about your visit! Drop me a comment, question, or just let me know where your journey began. Don't just lurk in the shadows! Leave me a comment! You're automatically entered to win a prize when you do.